He says he can imagine you growing old together. When you ask whether that future includes children, he says, “Maybe. I don’t know yet.”
You do not want to pressure him. You also do not want to spend another year hearing a possibility as if it were a plan. So you soften the question, leave the conversation unfinished, and wonder whether patience is becoming a decision you never meant to make.
When you want kids but he is unsure, clarify what he is unsure about before deciding how long to wait. Uncertainty about becoming a parent is different from wanting children but not knowing when. Neither person should have to agree to parenthood to preserve a relationship. You do need an honest account of what is known, what is unresolved, and what you are willing to choose while it remains unresolved.
There is no universal waiting period that can make this decision for you. Five questions can help you have the conversation you need now.
A “maybe” is information, not a hidden yes
Someone can love you and genuinely not know whether they want children. It is also possible to avoid examining the question because the current relationship is comfortable. You cannot tell which is happening just by listening for warmth in the answer.
Take uncertainty literally. It means you do not currently share a definite plan for parenthood. That does not make the relationship worthless or the uncertain person selfish. It does mean that decisions involving your future should account for the uncertainty rather than quietly replacing it with hope.
The Gottman Institute’s guide to important conversations before marriage includes discussing whether you want children, timing, and practical expectations. These details deserve their own conversation, rather than being assumed from general agreement about building a life together.
Five questions before you wait another year
1. Is he unsure about parenthood, timing, or the circumstances?
Ask for the distinction directly: “When you say you’re not sure, do you mean you might not want to be a parent at all, or that you want children but don’t know when?”
There may be several answers. He might want children but worry about money. He might be uncertain about the relationship. He might have never seriously pictured the everyday responsibility of raising a child. Avoid converting one answer into another because it is easier to hear.
If he does not know which uncertainty applies, that can become the next piece of work: “Could you spend some time thinking about what feels unresolved, so we can talk more specifically?” You are asking for reflection, not a predetermined result.
2. What does each of you actually mean by having children?
Discuss ordinary life, not only the appealing picture. What do you each imagine about caregiving, paid work, support, living arrangements, and personal time? Which parts feel meaningful, and which parts bring hesitation?
You do not need every detail settled to know you want to be a parent. But these questions can reveal whether an apparent agreement rests on very different assumptions. “I want kids” may come with an expectation that one partner will do almost all the care. That expectation deserves attention before you treat the answer as compatibility.
Ask: “What do you imagine an ordinary weekday with a child would look like for us?” Answer it yourself too. Make room for the difference between a genuine preference and something you assume the other person will simply handle.
3. What would help him reach a clearer answer?
If the concern is practical, identify the actual question. A money worry might call for looking at a realistic household budget. A concern about work might call for discussing available flexibility. A lack of experience around children might lead him to reflect on the responsibilities he sees in families he knows.
Those steps can inform a decision. They cannot guarantee that he will eventually want parenthood. Spending an afternoon with a niece is not a trial that proves someone is ready to raise a child.
Try: “What do you need to understand before you can give this a more considered answer?” Then ask whether he wants to do that work. You can participate without becoming the sole researcher, planner, and persuader for his decision.
4. When will you revisit the question, and what will be different then?
“We’ll talk about it later” can be reasonable during an immediate crisis. It becomes less useful when every later conversation begins from exactly the same place.
Agree on a time to return to the subject and what each person will have considered beforehand. For example: “Let’s talk again after we’ve each thought about whether we want parenthood and looked at the practical concerns we named.” Choose a timeframe that respects both your circumstances and the importance of the decision.
The check-in is not a deadline by which he must say yes. He may still be uncertain, and you may then decide that waiting no longer works for you. A useful agreement makes space for honesty, including an answer that ends the relationship.
5. If he remains unsure, what choice are you willing to make?
This question belongs to you. Consider how central parenthood is to the life you want, how you feel about uncertainty, and whether you would choose this relationship if children never became a shared plan.
Do not demand that you produce a fearless answer. You may love him and still conclude that waiting is too costly. You may also realize that your own wishes are less settled than you first thought. Give that possibility room without minimizing a clear desire just to avoid loss.
Try writing two separate sentences: “What I know I want is…” and “What I do not yet know is…” Keeping them separate can prevent your certainty about wanting him from being mistaken for certainty about wanting the life currently available together.
Talk about your decision without asking him to perform certainty
You can say: “I want to be a parent. I’m not asking you to say yes to keep me. I need to understand whether that is a future you want to explore seriously, and I need to decide how much uncertainty I can choose.”
If he hears an ultimatum, clarify what you mean. You are not threatening a consequence to force a particular answer. You are explaining that your own life choices depend on whether you want compatible futures. Be prepared to accept a no rather than repeatedly reopening the question until it becomes a yes.
Love is respect’s discussion of boundaries and expectations is useful for separating what you want from what you have assumed. A partner’s reluctance does not erase your wishes, and your wishes do not settle his decision for him.
For help opening the broader discussion, see how to talk about the future. This particular topic needs more than agreement that you would like to stay together.
A worked example: “After we buy a house”
Imagine Leah knows she wants children. Her partner, Owen, has said “after we buy a house” for two years. They are now looking at properties, but Owen becomes vague whenever Leah asks what happens after the move.
Leah asks: “Is owning a house the main thing you need before becoming a parent, or are you still deciding whether you want children at all?” Owen says he is still deciding. The house was a milestone he could talk about more comfortably than parenthood.
They agree to pause a joint purchase while they consider whether their futures fit. Owen takes responsibility for reflecting on his uncertainty. Leah thinks about what waiting would mean for her, rather than making the purchase as proof that their relationship is progressing.
They may eventually agree, or they may separate. The useful change is that a property decision no longer carries an unspoken promise about children. Neither person has to accept a major financial commitment as a substitute for the conversation.
Do not make a larger commitment to quiet the question
Moving in, getting engaged, or planning a wedding can make a relationship feel more certain without resolving a disagreement about parenthood. Before taking a larger step, ask whether you are treating that step as evidence that the children question will eventually work out.
If you feel pushed to accelerate the relationship, our guide to a relationship moving too fast can help you identify which decisions need more time. The goal is to make each commitment knowingly, with the unanswered questions visible.
You can seek individual support to clarify your own priorities. If both of you want help having the conversation, a qualified couples professional may provide a structured setting. The purpose should be understanding your choices, not recruiting someone to convince the reluctant partner to have a child.
Short FAQ
How long should I wait for him to decide?
There is no single suitable timeframe. Consider your own priorities, the length and stage of the relationship, what uncertainty involves, and whether there is a meaningful process for considering it. You do not need his permission to decide that you have reached your limit.
What if he says yes because he is afraid of losing me?
Take that concern seriously. Ask whether he is choosing parenthood for himself as well as the relationship. A reluctant promise made during a feared breakup is not a reason to rush into trying for a child. Make room to revisit the answer without punishment for honesty.
Am I selfish if this becomes a reason to leave?
Wanting a different future does not make either person the villain. When you want kids but he is unsure, leaving may mean respecting both your desire for parenthood and his freedom not to choose it. Staying is also a choice; try to make it with the uncertainty acknowledged, rather than with an imagined agreement.
You can love someone without having the same answer to a life-changing question. The conversation is worthwhile because both of you deserve to make your next decision with the real answer available.
Clearhearted publishes general educational content about relationships. It is not therapy, medical care, or individual legal advice. See our Disclaimer.
